I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.

Day 8 of my new work out routine. I wasn't in the mood to hit the gym, so I did 50 minutes on the stationary bike while I watched a True Hollywood Story about Angelina Jolie. Slap my ass and call me "Wild." Because yeah, I am.

Last week, I had hit the gym a little later than usual. As a result, I've met some people in my complex. In no particular order, they are:

~ The chubby married couple. You two are a pain in my ass. I don't care that you want to use the treadmills, but come ON. There are only two, and walking at 3 mph for 3 WEEKS won't get you any thinner, so stop wasting your time and mine. One of you needs to get off the damn machine and waddle over to Dunkin Donuts, because we all know you're going there afterwards anyway. It's my turn!

~ The two 14 year old Asian guys. Now that I think about it, they could be 5, or they could be 27. It's so hard to tell how old Asians are. Every single time I walk into the gym, they are just wrapping it up. What's "it," you ask? Initially, I thought "it" was doing P90X in the back of the gym, watching it on their laptop. But now I'm beginning to think it's a little more homosexual than that. I've run into them about 1,000 times already, and each and every time they are wrapping it up? Yeah, RIGHT. Something's getting "wrapped," and something's going "up," and it ain't no exercise routine. AND, they never turn the lights on. It's all very suspicious.

~ The 10 year old married guy. Okay, maybe he's older than that, but he's got super skinny legs and a baby face, and he's got a bracelet-sized wedding band (or maybe it looks that big because he's so little). We play this little game when we overlap. I usually get there first and put on the TV. I'm a sucker for realty TV shows, especially Keeping up with the Kardashians (Pregnancies!!! Weddings!!!!) He shows up a little later, starts his workout and pretends he's listening to his Ipod (when I can tell he's really locked in on whatever lame-ass show I've got on. I've seen him laugh at it). I get done first and on my way out I'll ask if he wants me to shut the tube off, and every time he waves me off and says, "Nah, that's okay." All nonchalant. Mr. 10 Year Old, you can act cool about it but you dig my shows. Loser.

~ The Hula Hoop Woman. Probably the best I've seen come into the gym ~ she's about 48 years old, has a horrible L'Oreal dye job...I think they call it Crackwhore Blonde. She puts her circa 1992 glasses on (with the tinted rose-hue lenses), then she pirates the TV by putting on Law & Order. Once she's set up, she starts hula-hooping. It doesn't even make sense! She doesn't need to come to the gym. It's an exercise she can do in her own livingroom! I think she does it just to show off. At first I was impressed, but then I noticed she has a textured hula-hoop. It's really hard to describe; the best and only way I can, is to say it's ribbed. (go ahead, say it: for her pleasure. Bunch of bonehead readers). All I know is, it's not one of those smooth, plastic ones that are hard to keep up. I think it's a specially designed hula hoop, kinda like a hula hoop with training wheels, designed to stay up no matter what. I need to do more research on it - I'll get back to you.

Overall, for those of you who are curious, the routine is going well. My plan is to be in wicked shape, just like the chick I've posted - it's "Kate," from LOST. The deadline is Feb 2nd, the day the very last Season Premiere is aired.

I've already taken a "before" picture. I've got the camera all queued up for the "after." Get your puke buckets ready - I make no guarantees that what you end up seeing will be pretty. Or even stomachable.