Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. But give a fish a man and see what happens.

When we're starting out, things move slowly. Expectations for us haven't been set yet - I mean, come on. We're brand new. A lot of shit is thrown around and basically, we're just big lumps, mooching off the system. We don't know what we're doing and everyone around us knows that. They understand it. They ACCEPT it.

Then it changes.

I'm not really sure when "expectations" kick in - 6 months? 6 years? And suddenly, we can't do anything right. It really is their way or the highway. As part of natural growing pains, we screw up a few times. But then it begins - the line of questioning: "Why would you do that?" "What were you thinking?" Suddenly, we start losing our cuteness and charm.

Time goes on, we get older and those questions become subtle threats: "You don't have to follow our rules, and you also don't have to stay here." "Oh, you think you know everything? If we catch you doing that again..." Have we been figured out?

Growing up and parents. Working in Corporate America and managers. Amazing how similar they both are to each other.

I'd hate to think it was true that you can't please all of the people all of the time. I beg to differ. Puppies. You can please puppies all of the time. And ferns. They are easily pleased. Or that random Mexican kid I see around town, bopping his head and singing out loud to his music (even though I'm not convinced there's music playing in those headphones). He looks like he's pleased all the time.

It reminds me of a story: A man, his grandson and their donkey were going to town and it was decided the boy should ride. As they went, they passed some people who thought it was a shame for the boy to ride and his grandfather to walk.

The grandfather and boy decided that maybe the critics were right - so the grandfather rode the donkey while the boy walked alongside. They passed more people who thought it was horrible to make such a small boy walk. So the grandfather decided they should both walk.

Further down the road they walked passed more people who thought it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. So, both got on and rode the donkey.

They soon passed other people who thought it a shame to put such a burden on a poor little animal. The grandfather and grandson thought the critics may have a point, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story is this: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

I have a friend who's been married so many times, she has rice marks on her face.

When I got engaged, no one believed it. Some didn't want to believe it. Even I had to convince myself in the days following. Quite frankly, it simply wasn't in my game plan. My plan was to work hard (check), buy a house (check) get a sperm donor (researched) and a nanny (budgeted), and make-up some story about a one-night stand with a tall, dark and handsome stranger I met on a business trip, who only said (when I asked his name), "Tonight is about love - not names," with a thick Spanish accent.

Not to say I opposed marriage; quite the contrary. But since I don't believe in divorce and I also never believed in settling, I figured I had pretty much 'picked through the oranges' in the produce aisle, so to speak. There were the underripe ones, the bruised ones, the moldy ones...the ones that aren't even oranges, but tangerines. I had resolved myself to the idea that if I wanted anything from an orange, it was coming frozen, in concentrate.

But alas, here I am. En fianced. And turns out, it wasn't even an orange; It was real dude.

So now the initial planning has begun. Get married in a Church or Vegas? Can I even get married in a church? Are churches even OPEN when it's not Easter or Christmas?

And then the dress...I've heard of women spending thousands of dollars on a wedding dress... and it's only worn once! Is there a color restriction? Do I get white? I mean, really. Who am I kidding? I'm a 31 year old woman in modern society, in an industrialized country. The jig is up. Maybe I'll get God on a technicality; ecru...?

And don't forget the guests. Who do I invite? Or rather, who don't I invite? There will be two lists. The people I want there and the people I'll feel obligated to have there. I might have to distinguish my guests in the form of riddles: What was the name of Crystal's first pet hamster? Answer: ___________ If you are correct, list how many will be attending the reception: ___. I'll mail confirmations (or declinations) within 24 hours.

I don't see the point in inviting people who don't know me. They'll just pull the same stunt that I've pulled over the years - show up with $10 in a card, eat all the bacon-wrapped scallops, get drunk on top shelf liquor (that I'm only going to vomit in the ladies' room), trip into someone's grandmother during the YMCA and then tell everyone at work on Monday that "if it wasn't for me, that wedding would have SUCKED."

That's a lot to think about. It seems like one minute I'm researching Brazilian sperm banks and the next, I'm here - writing a blog about oranges and foreign strangers with herpes and heavy accents on business trips. Oh, and getting married.

Amazing where life takes you.