I was bullied. World, I HAVE arrived!

For weeks, I couldn't figure out why everyone else got to be bullied except for me. I mean, gay guys in New Jersey, kids in Ohio, Demi Lovato...pretty much everyone. Except me. This whole time, I couldn't figure it out. Am I too smart? Too funny? Too disgustingly gorgeous?!

And then...it happened. I logged back into Facebook for exactly nine days, just to hit a radar or two about my upcoming highschool reunion (because, you know, maybe I want to reconnect with some old cronies), and that's when it happened: I became one of the fortunate majority to be bullied. It was as glorious as I had hoped!

But it gets better: I have a blog. They don't.

So let me address you, Bullies, who had so much to offer on Facebook, with your snarky, asshole comments. Oh, don't worry, I'll change your names to protect your innocence. It's the least I can do...

To Nob Rotari: No one told you to date your best friend's ex-girlfriend in highschool. In fact, no one told you to go ahead and marry her. You know what happens when you do that? Karma. Translation: You end up having a big, fat, hippo of a wife. Ooo, ouch, that really sucks. What's that phrase? Something about powder and wet spots? Ah, shucks, it doesn't matter now. But it looks like you should have dated a little outside your social circle during those formative teen years. And ya know what else? You have a horrible laugh. You always have. It's an awful mix between a donkey and a goose. Heee honk! Heee HONK! I can't BELIEVE I had a crush on you in 8th grade. I am so glad I got my first period and came to my senses.

Moving on...

To Kill Bane: "Okay, Calvin." Ooo, you're a clever one. Good thing Bing was working that day, or you never would have found that quote I used. I think it's awesome that in the 7 years we went to school together, this is the most you have ever "said" directly to me. So do your parents know you're asexual yet? Because let me tell you something: I really hope you are ~ this world does not need your type reproducing. And is that a receding hairline I see? Don't worry, it matches the 80 lbs you put on since we graduated. It's all good. Now if only you can have those gums of yours trimmed back...

The bottom line is this: I never claimed to be cool. I never thought I was better than anyone, and I sure as hell was not popular. Not then, not now. I just wanted to log into my little social network site, reach out to a few people and carry on with my day. But apparently, some people can't help but be raging douchebags. And that's really unfortunate. Because for as bitchy as I was in this blog, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's all true.

I win. Suck it.

People who annoy you: N_ggers

Answer: NAggers. Jesus. What's wrong with you people? Racists. (or, if you answered correctly, you are a fellow South Park fan...)

I've realized over the past few days that there are two types of people: Dog people and cat people. And men and women. I'll start with the animals.

Dog people are normal. I am a dog person. I walk my dog, and I am okay with that. I don't want a box of poop or pee hanging around my house. I want something to greet me at the door. I want to share food with it.

Cat people don't care about any of that. I wouldn't even doubt it if cat people are more likely NOT to flush public toilets. And quite frankly, I don't even know why cat people bother naming their pets. It makes as much sense as naming a goldfish. Just like when you see a Lost Cat poster, it'll say: "Lost cat, answers to Fluffy, please call...." Uh, let's think about this. If your cat answered to anything, it wouldn't be "lost" in the first place. It also bugs me when a cat person says their cat acts "so much like a dog." Doubtful. As a fellow dog person said, "You show me a house with a cat, and I'll show you an animal that won't defend its home if an intruder breaks in. Makes me want to break into a house with a cat, just so I can beat up that cat and prove a point."

And my final point is this: Even people who don't like animals are more inclined to like a dog over a cat. Proof: Ever see a dead cat on the road? Yup. Ever run over a cat by accident? Once. Okay, now let's imagine it's a dog. People freak if they hit a dog, and you never see a dead dog on the side of the road. There's a reason for that: Even by society's standards, dogs are the "Caucasian, 35 year old males" of the animal world. They're like the Kennedys of pets. People just *like* them more.

Then we have men and women. No, I'm not about to launch into the "Mars and Venus" bullshit argument. That's stupid. But it has recently come to my attention that men have a different concept of time than women. Notice how "Back to the Future" and every other time travel movie is about men, not women? Exactly. When a woman says, "I'll call you later," she means she'll call within an hour, maybe 2 if she's shopping. If a man says he'll "call later," it could mean an hour from then, the next day, maybe sometime next week...one never knows. When a woman says, "I'm on my way," she's on her way. When a guy says, "I'm on my way," it means he is about to leave in 15 minutes and make two stops before he gets to your place. Not to mention the term "dressing up" means different things to each sex: to women, 'dressing up' means something that is in skirt form, requires pantyhose and heels, and needs extra jewelry. "Dressed up" to a guy means it doesn't smell. Wrinkles optional.

Men, women, dogs, cats...we're all so different, I guess that is what we have in common. But there are a few people I think we can all agree on, who are not like any of us (and more annoying than most). They are:

People who take elevators to go down.
People who "don't like" chocolate.
People who screw up a picture when you say, "Hey, smile when I take this picture." (although I admit, I'm guilty of that myself - but not that time!)
Mouthbreathers.
People who walk fast so they don't have to hold the door open for you.
People who won't go when the light turns green, because they're waiting for another car to go first.
Monkeys.

Okay, the monkeys was random. I just really hate monkeys. They creep me out. But you get the point.

People who annoy me: M_st Pe_pl_.