For weeks, I couldn't figure out why everyone else got to be bullied except for me. I mean, gay guys in New Jersey, kids in Ohio, Demi Lovato...pretty much everyone. Except me. This whole time, I couldn't figure it out. Am I too smart? Too funny? Too disgustingly gorgeous?!
And then...it happened. I logged back into Facebook for exactly nine days, just to hit a radar or two about my upcoming highschool reunion (because, you know, maybe I want to reconnect with some old cronies), and that's when it happened: I became one of the fortunate majority to be bullied. It was as glorious as I had hoped!
But it gets better: I have a blog. They don't.
So let me address you, Bullies, who had so much to offer on Facebook, with your snarky, asshole comments. Oh, don't worry, I'll change your names to protect your innocence. It's the least I can do...
To Nob Rotari: No one told you to date your best friend's ex-girlfriend in highschool. In fact, no one told you to go ahead and marry her. You know what happens when you do that? Karma. Translation: You end up having a big, fat, hippo of a wife. Ooo, ouch, that really sucks. What's that phrase? Something about powder and wet spots? Ah, shucks, it doesn't matter now. But it looks like you should have dated a little outside your social circle during those formative teen years. And ya know what else? You have a horrible laugh. You always have. It's an awful mix between a donkey and a goose. Heee honk! Heee HONK! I can't BELIEVE I had a crush on you in 8th grade. I am so glad I got my first period and came to my senses.
Moving on...
To Kill Bane: "Okay, Calvin." Ooo, you're a clever one. Good thing Bing was working that day, or you never would have found that quote I used. I think it's awesome that in the 7 years we went to school together, this is the most you have ever "said" directly to me. So do your parents know you're asexual yet? Because let me tell you something: I really hope you are ~ this world does not need your type reproducing. And is that a receding hairline I see? Don't worry, it matches the 80 lbs you put on since we graduated. It's all good. Now if only you can have those gums of yours trimmed back...
The bottom line is this: I never claimed to be cool. I never thought I was better than anyone, and I sure as hell was not popular. Not then, not now. I just wanted to log into my little social network site, reach out to a few people and carry on with my day. But apparently, some people can't help but be raging douchebags. And that's really unfortunate. Because for as bitchy as I was in this blog, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's all true.
I win. Suck it.
No comments:
Post a Comment