It's all relative.

I would imagine if you have lived to be at least 25 years of age, there has been a moment in your life when you've accidentally dropped something into a toilet. Now correct me if I'm wrong: The second it happens, the first thought you have is, "Do I really want that back?" followed up with, "I wonder if I can just flush it?" And then there's the, "What else don't I mind getting poop water on to scoop ____ out?"

Let's face it, we see a dog drink out of a toilet and while we think it's gross, we don't think much more than that. BUT...drop a cell phone or toothbrush or even tweezers in that same toilet and the main thought is "I pooped in that bowl a few hours ago!"

It's all relative.

For some reason, when the house temperature is 71 in the winter I freeze, but in the summer, 71 makes me sweat.

And here's a random thought: I think pigeons are really reincarnated Egyptians.

Here's a second random thought: I don't think Michael Jackson ever existed. I just think LaToya got sick of playing two people.

For the record: I am okay with that whole, "Everything happens for a reason," idea...

And 'off-the-record': ...I just want to know what the 'reason' is up front.

Lastly: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Look at Magic Johnson. He's in the prime of his life.

I want to run for President, and let me tell you why...

First of all, I agree with a lot of what Mitt Romney says. Why is it such a big deal not to be concerned about the extremely poor? A family living at the poverty level still eats better than a college student who works 3 jobs. And that's just the beginning, people. I have a WHOLE campaign set up, and it goes something like this:

1. Legalize all drugs and tax the shit out of them. People won't use more or less drugs based on their legal status. Booze is legal and there are millions of people over the age of 21 who aren't raging alcoholics. Look, I'm not saying we should put drugs on sale, I'm just saying legalize them and make extra money all around. The country will get out of debt AND welfare payouts will decrease with every crackwhore overdose.

2. Sterilize everyone on social security under the age of 55, and anyone on welfare who has at least one child (man or woman). This should pretty much limit the payouts of both funds, not to mention discourage people from bumming off the system. If you want more money, keep your pants on and get a job. Oh, and if you're 'sick' enough to cash in on disability? Tough shit. If this were 1889, your 'crippled' ass would either be dead in a field or you'd have to suck it up and help plant and harvest with the rest of your family. We're bringing Darwinism back.

3. Homeless people - export them to Mexico; consider it an even trade. Gracias.

4. The pink flamingo will be the new national bird. Flamingos are fun and sassy. So will be the United States of America.

5. Secret Service will be fired. Things aren't fun to kill if there isn't a challenge.

6. Four day work weeks for everyone. You're welcome.

So this Presidential election, forget Santorum. Ignore Romney. Screw Gingrich. Write MY name into the ballot and people, we'll get this country rockin'!