One month, 14 days. That's how long I've been engaged. Not that I'm counting, but it is hard to believe that one month, 15 days ago I was living a relatively stress-free life. That has all changed. Now, I'm knees-deep in planning a wedding and I can feel myself coming unglued.
It started with my mom, to be honest. She went to the church to get information for me on what I need to do to get married in the Catholic church. She took a dozen donuts with her. God likes donuts and so do the ladies in the Rectory. A few eclairs later and here I am: Gettin' married in "da Church" and jumping through the Holy hoops. I bet if you took a survey, 90% of people who eloped are Catholic. You know why? Because the Roman Catholic church is a pain in the balls (when the priests aren't playing with them, anyway). "Do this, do that, join this, take this class, we need this," blah blah blah. Hmmph. Won't WE feel silly if in the end, the Jews were right?
Personally, I think this whole thing is too serious. To counteract that and put the FUN back into Wedding, I've got my own ideas...
My sister is my Matron of Honor. The only other time (outside of weddings) for adults to have 'buddies' is if you are superheros. That said, I like the idea of us dressing up as Batman and Robin. She would be Batman and I would Robin, since I mostly tagged along with her when we were kids. Besides, Robin wears the easier mask when it comes to that first wedded kiss on the altar.
I'm also kicking around the idea of an alternate ending. Instead of having a ring slipped on my finger, I think being handed a trophy would be be original. Picture it: I get handed my trophy, hold it over my head in celebration and then race down the aisle and out of the church. I've seen more people get weepy over their team winning than after watching two people swap rings. I want people to feel the love.
And that's another thing: What is going on with the sudden blast of Feminism? Kate Middleton refused to utter the word "obey" in her ceremony and women all over the world had her back on that . Really? Because with a 50% divorce rate, does it even matter what we say at all (yeah, that "death do us part" is really holding up)? Personally, I'm down with the traditional language, even the non-equal "man and wife" in lieu of "husband and wife" crap. But, I also have a plan. When it gets to my part about "obeying" my husband, I'm going to say, "I do!" and then smack said-husband on the ass. You know, so he knows I mean it. I like to be sincere.
For the most part, I have everything in order. Dress? Found it. In fact, it is on order and I already have the work order in for its alteration. I am having them remove the train and instead, stitch a bib into it. I spill things on myself a lot. Put me in something white and expect me to wear it all day? Oh yeah, that thing is going to be a Food Masterpiece by the time the DJ packs up.
I've got my dad walking me down the aisle. I have actually given some thought to having both my parents walk me down the aisle, but I am concerned there will be a power struggle at the end. I think they are both so freakin' elated to give me away they'll each want to be "The" person. I fear a short tug-of-war and a surprise shove at my fiance... uh, yeah, that's still in the works.
I will be outsourcing the ring bearer - my nephew from Arizona will be getting those honors and my mother desperately wants him in a top hat. The kid can wear a tuxedo t-shit for all I care, as long as he shows up and doesn't trip. (well, the tripping part is optional...as long as he doesn't get hurt, he can fall all he wants).
My mother (a former beautician) will be doing my hair. Of course, one has to consider that in her former hairstyling days, all of her customers were 80 year old women named Helen and Thelma, and they all had super short, curly hair that was a shade of blue... I have nothing more to say about that, I just hope the photographer gets the lighting right.
Lastly, the reception. We will not be cutting a cake. Instead, we will have a block of cheese. One, I love cheese more than cake, and two, I love a good subtle joke more than anything.
And that's the wedding planning. It is moving along faster than I expected. People have already asked me if I have intentions to renew my vows every so many years. Uh, HELLO. I work in the insurance industry. Renewals are in my blood. I'll be renewing my vows every single year and it it's an off year, I might nonrenew them.
That remains to be seen.
