Funny, I checked the weather this morning and it didn't say anything about a shit storm.

I haven't written in over two weeks, and let me tell ya, a TON has happened.

I celebrated St Patty's Day with some friends and let a drunk 85 year old guy dance with me. I thought I heard angels singing when he approached...it was a magical experience.

I started my new job. Not one person has so much as alluded to grabbing their crotch, and that alone makes me the happiest worker in the world. I even put up one of my favorite quotes: "I don't believe in animal testing; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." Glorious. I'm officially settled in.

I even found the time to squeeze in a moderate fall-out with my parents. I'll spare you the gory details, but at one point my father pulled the, "You're not going to talk to me like that under MY roof!" Right about then the mature part of the fight started, and I stomped off to my old bedroom/new home office to pack my bags. My mom followed me and said, "Don't go home." I responded with, "That's bullshit. You know, I'M a homeowner too! And I'm going home." The logic was, I was going to drive 2 hours home, then call my father up and continue to tell him what I've been feeling for the past 20 years, all while under MY roof. HA! It was the ultimate technicality!

No one ever said I was smart. My lack of coordination might actually be a reflection of my limited mental ability.

My talents are limited, and they are diminishing at a fast rate. I forgot how to walk, twice, last weekend. I almost pulled a Natasha Richardson in the livingroom (too soon?).

I can't wear white. I can't walk with hot liquids. I don't even attempt running with scissors. I smashed my ear off the corner of the wall about a week ago and I swear my hearing has been negatively affected.

Oh, and holding the elevator door? Hardly. First...I judge. Chubby? You should be taking the stairs. Thin? I don't like you on principle. Suit? It's time YOU waited for a change. Jeans? You obviously don't work here and that automatically makes you the office-elevator-rapist in my near-sighted eyes. Someone who has held the door open for ME in the past? Sorry, you need to learn that life isn't always fair.

I never said I wasn't a jerk.