You can't ride two horses with one ass, sugarbean. -"Sweet Home Alabama"

I work with an idiot.

I’m sure a lot of people say that, but I can prove it. You’ll see from Exhibit A that my idiot cannot spell, even when the most basic of spelling rules comes into play. U after Q. We’re not talking “i” before “e” except after “c,” or when to use “then” or “than.” The word in question is “QUOTED.” In the Moron-Dictionary, however, he spells it QOUTED…repeatedly. And it’s beginning to drive me insane. I guess there’s always that slight chance he’s not an idiot and that he’s just trying to make me crazy…in which case, the guy is a genius. Unfortunately for his unborn children, I really think the guy is just a mongoloid.

Another thing in the office that chaps my ass comes courtesy of the elusive Avon Booklet Leaver. It’s always unexpected - I come into work some mornings and there is it, the hit-and-run Avon pamphlet, waiting near my keyboard. I never buy anything. I usually toss it right in the trash. That’s right, it angers me so much I don’t even recycle the damn thing. F-You, Avon, and your silly little trees! The kicker is, I don’t even know who the woman is that leaves it. I do suspect though, that she has a drug habit and needs to supplement her income. Hence, the peddling of Avon goods to random office workers. But whatever the reason, I have a hard time believing that $2 facial cream can actually be good for your skin. The last thing I need is to slather this stuff on my face only to end up looking like a monkey attack victim the next morning.

And speaking of faces…or not speaking of faces (I just don’t know how to transition), I recently had a conversation with a coworker about the upcoming weekend. You know it’s going to be a good story when the other person says, “I won’t have time to study Friday night because I have bowling…” Stop the conversation RIGHTTHERE!

Whaaaa? Bowling? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was talking to a twenty-something, in-shape guy with a full head of hair, not a balding, middle-aged, 300 lb divorced father of 4.

He went on to brag about how he has his own bowling shoes. Yes, he bragged. Even said they were nicer than his regular shoes (I guess in Make-Fun-of-Me-Land, people say these things out loud). I said Ooo, they sound fancy and expensive. He was quick to correct me: Personalized bowling shoes only cost $15. I mentioned how surprising that was, considering not many people buy them. My thought process was along the lines of Bentleys; they are so expensive because not many people buy them. Stud the Bowler explained to me that not many people buy Bentleys because they are so expensive, not vice versa. Hmm.

Oh whatever. You're smart...for a BOWLER. Next you’ll tell me that Judgment Island was your idea (and I know you’re reading this, and no, it wasn’t). Add that to my list of things that annoy me: Bowlers.

And finally, to wrap up today’s blog I just want to remind everyone that the Philadelphia Wing Bowl 2010 will be on February 5th. Every year I say I want to compete – will this be the year? I’ll have to see if I have time to sign up. Have you ever seen me strip a chicken wing down to the bone? Have you ever watched me eat, period? It’s National Geographic amazing. Nothing but blood and hair all over when I’m done. Bring your cameras and cover your children’s eyes, it’s going to be on hell of a show.