I want my own talk show.

And if I had one, I'd give out some really awesome tidbits on life. In fact, my talk show would be called, "My Facts of Life." No, wait. "My Rules of Life." Yeah, that's what I would call it. So let me give you some sneak previews of my talk show.


My Rules of Life:

1. If you commit suicide, leave a letter. Or a note. Leave something. Let's face it, if you're going to be a selfish dick and kill yourself, the least you can do is leave some final words for the poor bastards who will miss your sorry ass.

2. If you are a stay-at-home mom, you have voluntarily given up your right to bitch. I'm serious. If you have chosen to clean, do laundry and chase ugly kids around all day, no one wants to hear you bitch about doing laundry, cleaning and chasing ugly kids around all day. I have a job. I have unexpected bullshit that pops up during the day, and I reserve the right to gripe about those things. I don't give a shit that now you miss watching The View ever since its time slot changed to 11am and Johnny Jr still naps at 9am. That's not a real problem. Lose the kids and get a job. And if you're some low life who had kids just to get on welfare?? Double Shut Up.

3. I saw a book in the bookstore the other day entitled, "Beating Dyslexia." Seriously? Because assuming you have dyslexia and can get past the title....I don't buy it. Literally OR figuratively. Unless you get a friend to read it to you, but that's unrealistic because people with dyslexia don't have friends. I know this for a fact. Ask Russell Crow. I think he's dyslexic and after that phone throwing incident, I'm pretty sure he doesn't have friends.

4. PETA can kiss my ass with their, "Oh, you're so mean when you kill cows!" "Ew, it's so cruel the way you keep chickens in cages and then slaughter them!" comments. Get over yourselves. Have you ever watched National Geographic? Have you ever witnessed a pack of wild dogs take down a gazelle? They rip its guts out. Most times, they start eating it while it's still alive. My point, Vegans, is this: Humans are just like Nature; Simply put, we're just more organized.

So there's your preview. My talk show is going to be A-W-E-S-O-M-E. I can't dance, I won't give away free shit and there won't be a cool Mexican midget sidekick. I refuse to endorse books or Politicians, and quite frankly, I'll probably be unshowered and drunk when we tape. I don't know about you, but I can't wait.