I took a personality test the other day. Turns out my main personality trait is being severely judgmental. Like I needed a test to tell me that.

I enjoy being judgmental. I'm not ashamed to admit it. It's what I do, but in my defense, I judge pretty much everything/everybody. That includes myself.

I judge my hair (awesome, as always). I judge my skin (I have freakishly large pores). I judge who I am as a person (highly judgmental yet utterly hysterical). And if there's something I don't like about myself, I try to fix it.

Several years ago I judged my internal organs. I felt I needed something to spruce them up, a "spring cleaning" if you will. My intestines felt a little sluggish, my spleen was a tad more worthless than usual. After much soul-searching (aka Googling), I discovered The Master Cleanse. Let me tell you all about it:

It is a concoction of purified water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. It's the only substance you're allowed to consume for however many days you choose to be on the cleanse. If you stay on it long enough (they suggest at least 10 days) you go from being starving to being angry to feeling like you were dying, then hoping you were dying. But after that you'll start to feel like a million bucks. I couldn't make it beyond the third day, so I wouldn't know about that 'million bucks' thing. I would rather get punched in the ear 5 times a day by a pissed off anorexic (bony knuckles...ouch) than go through another cleanse.

Oh, and I just realized I lied. Aside from the random kitchen ingredients-mixture, every morning you have to chug 2 quarts of sea salt water. Now this is the tricky part - you're supposed to give yourself an hour to deal with the after-effects. In case you've considered a crazy crash diet to prep for that new Speedo you bought this summer, here's my story (or rather, warning):

Day 1 - I drank the rancid "lemonade" all day at work. I got home and drank some more. I was starving. I was moody. I was eyeballin' the dog. I was losing the will to live. I went to bed at 7:30pm.

Day 2 - Woke up and chugged 2 quarts of tepid (sea) salt water. It sucked, but it was doable. Wait an hour? For what? Or maybe I was supposed to drink it over the course of an hour...? I started getting ready for work. (45 minutes pass) My stomach begins gurgling. I barely make it to the bathroom in time.

20 minutes later I'm still on the can. Salt water is like nature's Draino. Note: If you're ever constipated, don't worry about eating fiber. Screw Activia. Chug 2 quarts of salt water.

30 minutes later and I'm peeling my butt cheeks off the toilet seat. My legs are numb. My mouth is dry and I'm sore in ways I never knew possible. I would have cried but the thought of more saline sickened me. I was fairly certain I lost 15 pounds and I think I passed my gallbladder during the ass explosion. Hesitantly, I get dressed and leave for work. I must have been totally cleaned out as there was no "activity" during my commute. Unfortunately, I was 15 minutes late and not about to tell my manager why. I mumbled something about menstration and a house fire and hoped he would drop it. He did.

I continued to drink the lemonade that day, and I had a bad case of Ring Around the Ass. I was bitchy and impatient, and sadly, no one at work noticed a difference in my demeanor.

I got home from work and went straight to bed. Let me tell you how hard it is to fall asleep with the sun in your face and birds chirping loudly. It's HARD. Now imagine you've been starved - a billion times harder.

Day 3 - I woke up late, skipped the salt water reverse enema. Started drinking my 'juice' at the office. 10am - bought a bag of chips. 12:17pm - Grabbed Wendy's for lunch...double burger with double cheese, all the fixin's, super sized fries and an extra large Frosty. The "cleanse" was officially over. The way I see it, if I'm going to feel like death warmed over and my ass is going to function as its own autonomous unit, I'm at least going to enjoy myself on the journey to self-destructon and body shut-down.

I don't know if this little story is enough to talk sense into you, but for your sake I hope you take my advice: Any diet/cleanse that can promise you will lose 20 pounds in 10 days is going to make you feel like horseshit on pavement in July. Don't do it. But if you decide to do it anyway, good luck. You're gonna need it. And be prepared to hate life. That's all I'm saying'...