Facebook spelled backwards is Koobecaf, which is a German word meaning “dumb.”

I firmly believe Facebook is stupid. It never ceases to amaze me how intense these online communities become and how people lose touch with themselves and reality every time they log in.

I have a business associate who, by all outward appearances, has his shit together. He is 36, a partial owner of a successful business, is very much involved in his local government, drives an environmentally-friendly SUV, owns his home and is decent-looking enough that I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Yet the other day when I was talking to him about his recent break-up, he said (and I quote), “[My ex-girlfriend’s] Facebook status still says, In a Relationship, so I don’t know WHAT to think.” HUH? They hadn’t spoken in over 4 weeks, are you kidding me?!

As far as I’m concerned, his stock plummeted because of his dependence on Facebook. Unfortunately though, it seems more common that the only way we know where we stand with people is by checking their “status” online. (You have a raging case of herpes? When were you going to tell me?)

Good thing Facebook covers all bases – you can be Single, In a Relationship, Engaged, Married, or my favorite: It’s Complicated. Really? Is it complicated? And do you really want your 672 friends to know that you are still banging your ex while flirting with his best friend and trying to pick up that guy who works at Starbucks (you’re fairly certain he’s 18…)? It’s amazing the information people give out when they feel they are posting with a certain air of anonymity. The irony of the deep-thought status updates and personal insight is the 15 photo albums attached to a profile. Don’t post 37 pictures showing yourself at a party last Saturday, documenting your progression from sober to sloppy drunk and ending with you being passed out in the bushes with puke in your hair, and then post a quote from Nietzsche on Tuesday, waxing philosophical. That does not make you smart. It just means you know how to Google “intellectual quotes” and you’re an idiot.

And stop giving so much damn information about your daily, mundane life. I don’t care if you’re at Panera Bread and the guy in front of you can’t make up his mind. I don’t care that you got your period while you were stuck in traffic. In fact, I don’t even care that you have a busy weekend planned or that your kids are sick. I’d rather pull my toenails out than hear about how you don’t want to go to work tomorrow or how you’re having tacos for dinner (again). I could care less that you’re “in love” or that you won $2 on a scratch-off ticket. And guess what? I’m not alone. NO-ONE-CARES. Not one person. In fact, I bet you don’t even care; you just don’t get enough attention from society and this is your lame attempt to get into the spotlight. So stop it. Wear tight clothing, preferably spandex with animal prints if you need attention, and stop being boring online. Or maybe ask your mom to hug you more. Do whatever it takes if it’ll get you to shut the hell up already.

What started out as a simple social networking site to find people and keep in touch has mutated into an online monstrosity wrapped in narcissism. For a society so concerned about “Big Brother” and the government taking away certain privacies and privileges, we sure have no problem telling the online world that we’re at a Red Sox game, that we rented “True Romance” last night or that we’re going out Friday with our friends to PF Changs (mmm, lettuce wraps). The simple fact is, people spill their guts online and then get pissed at Facebook for selling their information to advertisers. Why? If you didn’t post that you were single then you wouldn’t get pop-up ads trying to connect you to local single people in your area. If you didn’t mention going to the gym last Wednesday at 5:23pm, Facebook probably wouldn’t have linked you to an advertiser who is pushing pills to “flatten your stomach.” This isn’t rocket science…it’s your own fault. You’re not that important…or interesting. Sorry to break it to you.

What we need is to make up our minds. In a society that only knows extremes, we need to pick a side – public or private. We can’t have it both ways. And besides, I’m sick of your stupid status updates. They suck.

Okay, I’m done preaching and insulting you, Kind Reader. Tune in next time for my views on teenage pregnancy and MTV shows that glorify it. In the meantime, I will be working until 4pm, then I’ll hit the gym until 5:30pm, maybe have tacos for dinner (again) and if I’m lucky, I’ll hang out with this guy I met while getting hot wings at my favorite bar – I’m pretty sure he’s 18…