And apparently so does my boss. And a few other people in my department.
The unspeakable happened to me the other day in the office. I was called onto the carpet by my manager and reprimanded for my use of the F word at work. (I'm going to pause and let that sink in).
I would like to remind you, dear Reader, that I am a 31 year old homeowner who pays taxes, doesn't do drugs, will occasionally vote, has never had an abortion and by society's standards, is a fairly decent human being. Thank you for listening.
She told me I had been overheard saying Fudge loudly, it was found to be offensive and she feels it is a poor reflection on our department as a whole for me to use that kind of language. Let me tell you what went running through this noggin of mine:
I didn't use it in an offensive manner. I think that distinction should be made, and I think it means a world of difference. [for the sake of public decency I will be replacing the offensive "F" word with "Fudge" in the following paragraphs.]
When Fudge had been dropped, I was admittedly pretty pissed off. But it wasn't like I told someone to Go Fudge Themselves, or to Fudge Off. I didn't even say Fudge You. I used the word as an adjective, like, "This fudgin' agent is trying to make me crazy," or "If I have to do any more work on these fudgin' quotes I'm going to burn something down."
Using it as a descriptive term as opposed to an active verb should count for something. I should be given some kind of literary leeway in this area. At the very least, I should be held to a kind of bastardized Corporate American version of the FCC rules. Ya know how you can say, "I'm pissed off right now," on the radio but you can't follow it up with "...and I also have to take a piss" ? Yeah, something like that.
If there's PMS involved and something bad happens at work, I should be entitled to Fudge the Shit out of whatever statements I'm about to make. We're all adults here. It's not like I work in a day care. There is no one over the age of 85 that will get offended. And for the record, I have yet to work in an office where the norm was NOT cursing like a drunken sailor. In fact, I've been in offices where had I been blindfolded, I could easily think that I worked on a loading dock at a sex toy company with a bunch of ex-cons with Tourettes.
Will I drop the actual F-bomb again? Not if I can help it. But there will be much Fudgin' substitution going on, to the point of being highly annoying to my coworkers. And yes, that is my goal. Aw, I'm sorry, you thought I was offensive? Well pull up your panties, I'm about to annoy the ever-living FUDGE out of you. If I have to suffer, they have to suffer. We're in this together.
So let this blog be my official announcement to the world: I am bringing FUDGE back. "Oh," you say, "But it was never 'in' in the first place!" You are correct. Which is what will make its comeback GLORIOUS.
You heard it here first. Get it started, pass it around, and go Fudge Yourself.
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