'Regrets. I've had a few...but then again, too few to mention." - Frank Sinatra

Valentine’s Day. It comes every year and yet, it somehow sneaks up on me every single time. Ugh.

I was never a huge fan of Valentine’s Day. Personally, I think it’s kind of bullshit. I’m not one for flowers or “romance.” Flowers will die and “romance” is overrated. You show me a comfortably romantic man and I will show you a guy who has been to every Cher concert since he was 12. Any other random act of romance is nothing more than a ploy by dudes to either get into a gal’s pants or to avoid sleeping on the couch that night (and really, that’s just because the cushions are too soft and it’s covered in dog hair – otherwise, they consider it ‘camping’).

I’ve had this argument with sappy chicks in the office who try to convince me Valentine's Day a great holiday because of chocolate and candy hearts and the out-pouring of love. I call those chicks idiots. First of all, "love" is relative. Just ask Oprah how she feels about a bucket of KFC. And as for the rest...It’s not like you can’t get chocolate all year round, and those little heart candies don’t even taste that great. Besides, the sayings are stupid. AND, I always manage to get the boring box where the phrases are either, “Be mine” or “Kiss me.” Ooo, nonstop excitement. What they should do is mix’em up – “Be me” or “Kiss mine.” I think I’ll send a letter to the candy heart maker with my ideas.

I guess at the end of the day I should respect other people’s decisions to enjoy a sappy, overcommercialized holiday whose sole purpose is to rape the wallet, get people laid and make single people feel less worthy because “you’re not really somebody until somebody else loves you.” But guess what? I don’t want to (respect decisions, just to clarify). I want people to feel ashamed to have been suckered into such a sucker of a holiday. And to prove my point, I am going to swap holidays this year. Instead of celebrating Valentine’s Day, I’m celebrating the Chinese New Year, which, coincidentally, also occurs on Feb 14th. It is the Year of the Tiger and if you put a tiger in a cage with a box of chocolates, the tiger is going to win. And if you put me in a cage with a tiger and a box of chocolates, I am going to win. Because I’m a winner and for every winner there are dozens of losers…and chances are, you’re one of them. You just have to strive to NOT lose to an old man in a flannel shirt or a fat lady who irons her jeans. Losing to either is unacceptable. Always.

Happy New Year.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
-- Erma Bombeck