There are a few things that can happen in the morning that indicate your day is going to be shit. One of those things is stepping IN shit when you take the dog for her morning walk. Another is when you think you've set up the coffee pot the correct way, only to get out of the shower, go into the kitchen and find coffee juice all over the countertop and floor. And lastly, the realization you should've kept your ass in bed is when you get to work and open an email from a friend that starts with, "You might want to get a new accountant." You click on the link, which takes you to a news article where you find out the guy who did your taxes last year is now in jail for embezzling $1.5 million. Nice mugshot, you world-class douchebag.
Does it get any better than that? Funny you should ask.
It's when a fart squeeks out as you stand at the copier and you realize a coworker is right behind you. It's when you suddenly notice your nipples are tweaked in two completely different directions (I like to call that the "crazy eyes" look). Or when you remember that you forgot to put deodorant on that morning.
Jesus, this is beginning to sound like that "Ironic" song by Alanis Morrisette. And ironically, hardly anything mentioned in that song was a true example of irony.
So here's the thing - the globe is warming, my accountant is in jail, my car needs an oil change and at the end of the day, I really don't give a rat's ass about any of it. Is this a sign that I've reached ultimate enlightenment? Have I finally learned to "not sweat the small stuff?" Absolutely not. It means I remembered the stash of baby vodka bottles in the cabinet.
It's not drinking alone when you talk to the TV.
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