I am not a homophobe! I think gay people are cute!

Okay, I've been called out as being a big homophobe...maybe not a hate monger, but up there in the same part of the bleachers. I have to say, the accusation hurt. It hurt me like an Elton John concert in the rain.

Allow me to clear my name (which, by the way, is a combination of Serbian words meaning, "That who is of natural sexual orientation.")

I think gay people are cool. I watch them on TV like, all the time. I've even heard that the ground-up bones from gay men can cure cancer, and the mere touch of a lesbian can make crying babies smile.

Okay, but seriously. I feel really bad that all gay men have AIDS. I mean, it's not their fault, ya know? Well, maybe if they didn't do so many illegal drugs and hang out in ratty clubs, trying to have sex with strangers all the time...but hey, it's what they do. It's their gay nature. And lesbos? I wish I had the guts to get a buzz cut! How cute is that style??

Cut me some slack people. I love gays. Just the other day, I saw a big ol' bull-dyke in Macy's. She was in the jewelry department. I figured I'd help her out, because really, what do bull-dykes know about woman-things, right?

I stood next to her at the necklace case and said, "Oh, are you buying this for your sister?" She said, "No, it's for my partner." I said, "Maybe you should just get her gloves. Wearing dangly jewelry on construction sites could be dangerous...it might snag on a tool or something."

She looked at me and said, "I'm a nurse and my girlfriend teaches 10th grade Latin. Why would you assume we were construction workers?"

I laughed and pointed out that everyone knows all lesbians are construction workers. I told her I appreciated her gesture of the 'cover' jobs so that I could relate to her on a heterosexual level and not have to step outside my social comfort zone. I mean, how nice was that?

She got really mad. I don't know why. At first I thought she was PMS-ing it, but then I remembered that lesbians don't get PMS. So I guess she was in a bad mood or something. Needless to say, I got out of there in two shakes of an angry lesbian's mullet.

You see straight friends, I obviously don't have a problem with gay people. I barely even notice if a guy is wearing leather pants with platform shows and a fishnet tank top! People automatically think just because I'm from a small town in the Northeast that I don't like people who are not-like-me. So untrue. I love all people...gay, straight, black, white, Asian, half-Asian, partially Mexican, slightly retarded, mostly retarded, blind, deaf, deaf in one eye, blind in one ear...

Uh, yeah. So there. I'm a lover of everyone, which shames my family. But I do it anyway.

The End (jerks).