“I used to be self conscious about my height, but then I thought, fuck that, I'm Harry Potter.”― Daniel Radcliffe

On more than one occasion I have had someone, somewhere tell me I had low self-esteem, all because of some joke I made about myself. Don't these people realize one of my mottos is "What people think of you is none of your business?" Yet, they volunteer that shit. Did I ask your opinion? Then shut your lips. And quite frankly, it is shit. For as much as it pains me to have to blog about this, I have a diarrhea-level urge to set the record straight.

I do not have low self esteem. I am a realist. With that being said, let me explain some things:

I was raised in a household where physical attributes didn't mean a whole bunch. It was understood that there would always be someone prettier than you out there, so figure out an alternative. My sister got off easy; she's the smart one. She is good at math, quick to make friends, she can dance and is generally excellent at everything she does. Thank God she got her Masters degree, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents (I can only get so many tattoos).

Then there is me. I don't have the brains my sister does. Math is hard. Dancing isn't an option: I don't just not have rhythm, I have anti-rhythm. I'm terrible with names and when I meet someone for the first time, I end up nicknaming them "Branch" (in my head). It makes me awkward in social situations. Short of discovering a hidden talent (plate spinning? belly button whistling?) my go-to thing ended up being humor.

If only it were that easy.

Humor is a tough thing to pull off. You have to know your audience and find a common ground that you can both laugh about. Unfortunately for those around me, I am not good at identifying either of those things. As a result, I have inadvertently publically shamed people at work, made people cry (sorry random guy in bar, but thank you for serving our country), and I am pretty sure that priest would have laughed during my confession if he could see the "I'm only KIDDING!" look on my face (75 Hail Marys? Jesus Christ, it was a JOKE!)

Needless to say, the only thing left in this world that I can safely joke about is myself. It isn't low self esteem; it's self-deprecating humor. (I know that's a big word...Google it) Hang with me long enough and you'll realize I'm a pretty big fan of myself. Just because I acknowledge that I have the coordination of a new born calf, a farmer's tooth, big hips and a fire victim's hairline (and those are the easy ones!) doesn't mean I'm self conscious about them. I was never known for my striking good looks, ninja math skills or exceptional coordination anyway so why attempt to play that hand now? You'd have to be blind not to notice these things about me. But you know what? I can rebound on a trip & fall like a BOSS. I use my farmer's tooth to open things that most people need scissors for. I've swung these hips to bounce skinny girls out of the way so I could get into the bathroom first. And my hair? I'm pretty sure it has more fun when I'm sleeping than I do (at least, that's how it looks when I wake up in the morning), but I'm cool with it.

I save all my bragging for my diary. Let's be honest with each other: If all I did was tell you how awesome I was, how I was a hero at work, how AH-MA-ZING my arches are (these feet were designed for high heels) and how I'm 97% sure I sound exactly like Carrie Underwood when I sing in the car, you'd feel pretty bad about yourself. Plus - you'd think I was a douche nozzle for being all braggy and you would be right. It's like those girls who brag about getting hit on all the time. Big deal, you're pretty... Talk to me in 35 years. I can eat a mixing bowl full of pasta in under an hour. Oh sure, that may not have guys banging down my door and in 35 years I'll be the size of a house, but at least it's a true accomplishment. Not that it matters anyway, because that shit goes in my diary. Now, the next time I slip on ice and slide under my truck when I try to get in it? That's a story I will shout from the roof tops.