I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they don't think there's something wrong with me.

I seem to know a lot of people getting married over the next few weeks. The happy couple you see (look closely, they are there) is one of them – can you believe this is from their Engagement picture package? I asked the groom if the Firing Squad motif was their idea or the photographer’s. Either way, it seems awkwardly appropriate, doesn’t it?

Marriage jokes aside, weddings are a really good time. Not so much because you’re celebrating the next stage in a couple’s life, but because you get free food, free booze, and all the people watching you can handle. As with anything, there are always certain types of guests that you see at every wedding, big or small. Here is my rundown:

The Slut: This is the girl in the exceptionally short, tight dress that is either an incredibly bright color, or (my favorite) white. She is typically a cousin’s date (yet she is not his “girlfriend”) and by the end of the night, has danced with every guy at the reception who is under the age of 27. No one ever knows her name, and after the celebration, she is never seen again.

The Drunk Buddy: Quite possibly my favorite guest. He is wasted by the time dinner is served but still stocks up on his Gin & Tonics before the meal just in case they shut the bar down. If he’s got a date (operative word being “if”), he’ll drink her champagne if she doesn’t finish it during the toast. By the time the DJ plays YMCA (he is always a robust Y), he has already hit on the bride’s grandmother. He is usually a former friend/acquaintance of the groom and was only extended a sympathy invitation because they ran into each other at a sporting event 3 months prior. By the end of the night he is slumped at a table, shirt and tie undone, and can be seen picking apart the flower centerpiece. No one knows how he gets home that night, and no one cares.

The Casual Guest: Usually a man, usually 65 or older, and he’s the one wearing his best blue jeans, suspenders and a crisp, white button down. You’re never surprised to find out he’s the bride’s father, and Goddamn it, he’ll dress any way he wants because he paid for the reception. He gets pissed when the DJ refuses to play Charlie Daniels. You can see him trying to get a second steak dinner (to go) from the waiter. His wife usually convinces him to have at least one slow dance, but he spends his time on the dance floor asking everyone if they liked the food.

The Couple No One Wants to Be: The girl – chubby and wearing a lot of ghetto gold. The guy – super skinny with at least 2 visible tattoos. Bonus if either one has a hickey. The girl is the ‘relation,’ but not by blood. She is the stepdaughter of the groom’s uncle, who remarried last year. They begin the evening by heavily making out during the cocktail hour, but by the time and bride and groom cut the cake, they are in a full-blown fight. She can be seen pouting at the table while he is playing Bejeweled on his cell phone.

The Pack of Single Guys: They can be guests, or groomsmen or both, but whatever the combo, they are rowdy and get seated together. Because they’re still drunk from the night before, the non-groomsmen typically wolf whistle as the bride walks down the aisle and then heckle the groom during the ceremony. At the reception, they alternate between drinking Heinekens and smoking outside. They have no problem hitting on your wife or girlfriend in front of you. They eat too fast and crash other people’s tables, even if they are still eating. By the end of the night they’re inviting everyone to accompany them on some bar hopping.

I love a good wedding.

So there you have it – the classic Guest List. Keep in mind, if you can’t identify one of the guest’s above, then chances are YOU are that person. And to everyone out there getting married in upcoming weeks: Congratulations and Good Luck (you’re gonna need it)!