I want to begin by declaring that I survived my first family vacation with the guy I'm seeing...and his whole family. I am soooo not even joking about that. I'm talking aunts, uncles, grandmothers, mothers, sister, cousins, the milkman (I didn't ask); it was crazy. But hey, no pressure right? HA. Thankfully, the location was their cabin that is *in* an amusement park, which kept everyone busy. Let me tell you, it's fascinating to walk onto a front porch and see a rollercoaster about 100 feet away. Oh, it's also loud as hell, too. But still pretty cool.
The first day, I hit up the food stands with my boy, his mom and aunt. I grabbed a chili dog, a cheeseburger and french fries. As I was eating my burger his mom looked at the rest of the food and asked, "Who's the chili dog for?" In between chews I said, "Mine." She looked shocked, so I followed up with, "Don't judge." I could tell she did anyway. Talk about foreshadowing.
Overall, it was a fun few days - a lot happened. I used a public restroom and had a white trash lady walk into my stall. (no, the doors did not have locks) Who doesn't look under the Goddamn door?? THAT scumbag, apparently. She saw my 'goods' and I didn't even get dinner out of it. I was pissed off. Literally.
The whole family (all 18 of us) jumped on the bumper cars. I got the impression they thought I'd be easy pickins (they all have this really twisted impression that I'm a "nice" person). Little did they know the last time I was on the bumper cars I was 7 years old and called a little boy a 'son of a bitch' for crashing into me. All I can say is, if Grandma didn't have arthritis before, she did when I was done with her.
I went on the wooden rollercoaster and walked off with a few mystery bruises. Did I mention I got a little drunk before going on? Yeeeaaaah, I'm not a huge fan of rollercoasters.
I did a lot of eating, a lot of drinking, and a lot of inappropriate joke making. Surprisingly, my jokes went over well. Ya know that horrible situation in Louisiana where those 6 kids drowned in the river (none could swim but they went into the water anyway)? I casually commented that it was either a tragedy or natural selection - and the picnic table went WILD. I stole a joke from a comedian about how there's a silver lining to just about everything... even serial killers who bury people in their backyards... at least they're homeowners. They ate it up! By the time I left, I was signing autographs.
So speaking of eating, on my last day there I was approached by my guy's mom. Not like she cornered me or anything, but while we were taking a drive out to a deer farm to grab some venison jerky (it was kinda like "redneck fastfood"), she made the statement that I had a "healthy appetite." I have to admit, I was annoyed. My eating habits were examined the whole time I was there. And the crazy part is, I toned it down! Believe me, it broke my heart to only get one chili dog at a time, especially since I get no less than 2 texas weiners AND gravy fries when I hit up my hometown diner. She wouldn't know a "healthy appetite" if it bit her on the ass.
Mmmm, biting. Chewing. Food. I think I'm gonna get me something to eat.
No comments:
Post a Comment