Bring Your Child to Work Day – what a dumb idea.

My company is holding its very first BYCTW Day today. I am not at all amused. These cretins are loud, annoying, and apparently they only travel in packs.

When I come to work, I want to be left alone. Today is not my day for that. Kids are bouncing all over. People are being loud. But I’ve figured out a way to keep them away from me. I had one coworker introduce me to her 10 year old son. I said HI and shook his hand…and lingered on the handshake as I commented on how “pretty” his eyes were. I don’t expect to see him for the rest of the day.

Then I told another coworker’s 8 year old daughter that I heard there would be pony rides this afternoon. She started getting excited and her mother had to break the news that I was only joking. Was it mean? Yup. But it’s the Bus Thrower coworker and as far as I’m concerned, her daughter probably has the bus-throwing gene, which makes her my enemy, too.

I really don’t feel bad about any of this. First of all, the Bus Thrower is a bitter, 50 year old woman who also has a 6 year old. It’s not MY fault she felt the need to get knocked up in her 40’s in an attempt to make her 2nd marriage more “legitimate.” She and her old husband should’ve gotten a dog. At least it’d be dead by now and they’d be able to travel more. Again…it should not become my problem when a third party makes shitty life decisions.

I ran down to our cafeteria to grab lunch. Bad idea. There were kids EVERYWHERE. They’re like Goddamn locusts. They have no self-awareness, they get in everyone’s way, they can’t make up their minds and they smell funny. All I wanted was a sandwich. Instead I got a whole lotta aggravation. All today is doing it convincing me that if I ever have kids, I’ll have to raise them “special.” Here’s the plan:

I will not buy them toys. If they have toys they will be more inclined to stick around the house. No toys means they will hang out at the neighbors’ houses and play with their toys.
I will condition them to eat 3 times a week. Back in caveman days humans survived without eating every day. Imagine the money I’ll save!
Beatings will be commonplace. If they think it’s the norm, they will not rat me out to school officials.
I will never bring my children to work, even if it’s a designated day. Why? BECAUSE I DON’T WORK IN A DAYCARE CENTER.

Kids belong in closets, not in an office. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.