Hello All!
As we wind down 2014, I realized I've dropped the ball when it came to blogging on a somewhat regular basis. In light of that, I've decided to blog my "Holiday Letter." I'm saving a ton of money on stamps and you get a review of what my year has been like. A classic "Win-Win."
Family: As of today, I am still in the will. Of course, that changes daily but I like to remain cautiously optimistic. Luckily, my [white trash] stepbrother went into diabetic shock over the holidays, which ended up defaulting me into mock hero status within the family. There was a moment (in his crazy, low blood sugar state) when he squared off with my dad and was prepping to fight. In my first and only Christian moment of the year, and against every ounce of my being, I calmly talked my dad out of kicking his ass. I'm pretty sure that should give me much-needed brownie points to get into Heaven. At the very least, with the stepbrother out of the picture I think I should get his share of the inheritance.
For those of you who have been out of touch, I still do not have children (that I know of). I have come to the conclusion that instead of parenting, I am better suited to be a rodeo clown. After the crazy experience with my dad and stepbrother, distracting a raging bull doesn't sound so reckless or scary...but changing a poop-filled diaper on a screaming child? I quit.
Friends: I have made some new ones and lost touch with some old ones and according to my math, I am now up to 3 in total (this time last year I was at 1.5 friends). At this rate, I should have enough friends to fill a funeral home upon my demise. RANDOM ADVERTISEMENT: One of these 3 friends is in desperate need of a girlfriend. If any of you know a single lady with a pulse (brain activity not required) please let me know, as I spent at least 2/3 of 2014 acting as his wingman and quite frankly, I'm over it.
Work: I got myself a new job. So far, more people like me than hate me. They also gave me a company car. In typical "me" fashion, the first thing I did was accidentally spill a coffee and dump French Fries in the front seat (like a douche). In other news, people at work keep telling me I have "a great personality." I was flattered at first but then realized I am one "pretty face" comment away from being the new fat girl in the office. Seriously...I put butter on a donut ONE TIME in a team meeting and I am subtly labeled for life.
Pets: My dog is still alive, going on 15 years. She has morphed into a fairly obnoxious roommate. I'm certain if she had opposable thumbs she would be totally unbearable. I could see her raiding the fridge and making a lot of overseas phone calls. I have also discovered over the year that she is deaf. The good thing about a deaf dog is, she doesn't lose her mind when the doorbell rings. The bad part is, I look pretty stupid when I take her outside, using hand signals to give her commands. To date, I have assisted with the successful landing of 7 planes, although my dog still doesn't come when I "call" her. The bird is also around. Earlier this year she laid an egg... ON ME. I would like to think that's good luck in some culture, but until I find out which one, it is still pretty gross in mine.
Life: I have learned a few things throughout the year, which makes 2014 a success in my book. I learned that kidney-punching my mom will never get old. I learned that I overcome shitty first impressions more than I realize; that sarcasm is not universal. I learned that it is really hard to compliment a guy with low self esteem on the glory of his beard. I also learned how to indoor rock climb... Ha ha, yeah, okay, that part is a lie. "Doing" is not "learning," and considering I can barely walk across a flat surface without falling to my death, I find it ironic someone would invite me to scale a wall with many uneven surfaces. I learned that drinking a Coke while eating a Mentos could make your face explode, and if you can keep them alive long enough, Sea Monkeys get big and creepy. I learned our advancements in Science aren't enough to find a lost commercial airliner but are developed enough to land a space probe on a moving comet.
Lastly, I learned it gets really old to have people ask me if I have a boyfriend (when I don't have a boyfriend). That is why in 2015 my new answer will be: "No, I'm just sleeping around."
So in closing, I'd like to wish all of you a happy and moderately healthy New Year. I hope you follow through on your resolutions to lose the weight, fight that infection, not show up drunk at your next custody hearing and stop stealing toilet paper from your office. Here's to 2015! Wear a helmet.
