There are all kinds of people in this world. I'd say most of us are fairly normal with abnormal moments sprinkled in there. Then there's everyone else: the true 1%, if you will, and not because they've got more money than God. At least, not unless "crazy" can pay an electric bill.
Like the hot chick at the bar who seems SUPER fun and SUPER cool and SUPER bendy. You know who she is. She's the one who lets the entire bar in on her little "secret" (SHE'S NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!!!!), but gets offended when the 75 yr old regular smacks her on the ass. She has made out with at least two bartenders, one bouncer...and remember when she dry humped the acoustic guitar player the Wednesday before Thanksgiving? (no one likes Free Fallin' THAT much) Most of the time, she's pretty cool, until one guy makes the fatal mistake of not returning her 17 phone calls one night 3 weeks ago, after grabbing a coffee with her after last call. This is the guy who (irrationally) thinks he can just show up at the bar the same night she's there and act like nothing happened. He's the "No Big Deal" guy. Little does he know, it IS a big deal (to her) and he is about to unleash the Crazy.
This chick puts the Hot in Psychotic. She's not afraid to make a scene...and she does. Hard. If you have never seen this happen in a bar, the best way I can describe it is, it's a lot like whale watching: Exciting when the activity starts, but then you get a little nervous because holy shit, it's happening way closer than you expected and you're not confident they'll understand you are not there to hurt them. Standing even remotely near "No Big Deal" is enough to get a drink in your face when Crazy goes off her rocker. Just stand back and make sure you've got a grip on that gin & tonic; You are about to see how scary 102 lbs of booze, body glitter and dad abandonment can be.
Then there's the "No Sense of Humor" person. EASILY one of my favorites. This type of person also doesn't understand how sarcasm works, which makes conversations even more fun. I cross paths with these people often around the office (they tend to be my managers), and every so often I am lucky enough to run into them in public.
One particularly memorable event was when I ran into an old friend from high school. Okay, that's a lie. We got old, but we weren't friends. We weren't enemies, either. I guess we were...acquaintances? Acquaintances enough that if either one of us got murdered, the other would tell people we knew the victim. That's more familiar than if you found out your gynecologist was tragically killed; I know I wouldn't admit to knowing that guy (I knew where his hands had been! ewwww)
On this particular night, this pseudo-friend tried to start some shit with me. It came out of nowhere. What I didn't realize at the time was that certain posts I made on one particular social media website was interpreted (by him) as being personal attacks. I guess he thought I was taking shots at him directly. It was all very Son of Sam-like (I'm the neighbor's dog in this analogy) and I admit, it threw me off balance.
What you are about to read is the abridged version of the conversation that unfolded; not that it matters either way, the full version is equally confusing...
So...David Berkowitz 2.0 comes up to me and tried to engage me in some kind of intellectual dance off. He pointed to the cross necklace I was wearing and asked what it meant to me. Having answered unacceptably, he called me a bad Christian. Then he showed me some carved bird-on-a-shoelace thing around his neck and asked me if I knew what it meant. I'm not too bad at Pictionary so I figured I'd first identify the creature, then guess at its profound meaning. Dolphin? (no) Seagull? (no!) ... ... ... DOVE! Yes, it was a dove! Okay...uh...doves mean... love? (no) Land?? (huh?) I got it -- PEACE!
And the final answer was...NOPE. At this point (and in my mind), I'm thinking there is NO WAY I could be wrong on this. But then again, what are the odds some dude wearing a Peace symbol necklace would try to pick a fight with me? In my world, the odds are pretty good, apparently. And that's when it hit me...I knew what it meant!
"YOU'RE A PRINCE FAN!" I was so excited, I HAD to be right, it was the only obvious answer left. Of course, not having a sense of humor, Pseudo Friend stormed off. Was he defeated? Not at all. Clearly, I was the asshole in that exchange, and I am sure he told everyone who would listen that I was, too. But I get that a lot. People who don't understand sarcasm are awesome.
I never did get confirmation on that damn necklace. I'm still pretty sure it meant Peace. Or Peas. Maybe he's a vegan. Maybe that's where I went wrong...
Of course, these moments in my life get a little awkward (for them, not me) when they happen in the workplace. Especially when it happens with my superiors. Like the time my boss brought his son to the office for "Bring Your Child to Work Day." He stopped by my desk to introduce me to the little guy. When I asked the kid where his younger brother was, my boss said they set the age minimum at 8 yrs old; His other son was only 6 and wasn't allowed. I told the son in front of me that that was a lie, that it was really, "Bring Your FAVORITE Kid to Work Day." He smiled & giggled, and my boss couldn't drag him away from my desk fast enough. Have fun explaining that one at dinner, Dad!
It's nuts that I've managed to build an entire career being like this. To think, I started off working barefoot in a small office in my hometown, only to end up being loose-lipped in a Fortune 500 company AND randomly blogging when the spirit moves me. I am living proof life doesn't give a shit what your "plans" are. I didn't really have a plan, but I know this wasn't it.
So stay in school, kids. Life needs all kinds of kinds.
"Dear Prince,
That's not at all what we sound like.
Signed,
Doves"
