Let me make one thing clear: I've got a fairly thick skin, so what you are about to read is my way of sharing the good times. I will admit, though, that after some of these events occurred two packages of Oreos, one extra large pizza (with black olives) and several shots of Bourbon lost their lives in my attempts to self-medicate.
Story # 1: I was out one night, wearing my nicest burlap potato sack, when I was introduced to a friend of a friend. He had all of his front teeth and as it turned out, he was 4 years younger than me. I knew there was something special between us when later in the evening he said, "I don't usually find older women attractive, but you're not too bad." Really? You're adorable. I'm not even that much older where I could have been your babysitter. Hmmph. I think in today's society, ages are now being calculated in dog years. It's a whole new world out there and I am very unprepared.
Then there's the wee little man story. I am being 100% honest when I say this guy was approximately nipples-high (I'm 5'4, you do the math). It was a night when I was wearing my favorite cat sweater, feeling pretty good about my hot self. Several adult beverages in, wee man's balls must've dropped and he says to me, "I'm not usually attracted to bigger girls, but I think you're kind of cute." Gee, thanks? And coincidentally, I am not usually attracted to grown men who are still legally required to use car seats, so hey, let's step outside our comfort zones. I'll pick you up at 8pm? *literally picks him up*
So those two dudes were my "something new" learned in 2013: Anytime a guy starts a sentence with, "I don't usually..." it's going to end poorly for me. Duly noted.
Then there are the random comments that aren't story-worthy, but are still worth sharing. These are times in my life I'm pretty sure I have stumbled into a Tourette Syndrome convention:
1. You have thick legs. No, I mean that in a good way. Like, good-thick. (just shut up already)
2. I think you're a serial killer. (meant in the nicest way possible, I'm sure)
3. That's a nice outfit. I can really see what you were trying to do. (bitch)
And to think, people tell me that I lack an internal filter. Irony is fun.
Last but not least, how could I forget one of the most complimentary conversations I've had so far this year? On this particular evening, I looked exceptionally good with my off-the-shoulder sweatshirt and stirrup pants. This story is slightly different, however, since my fellow conversationalist is someone I've known since...well, since my stirrup pants were in style the first time around. Anyway, we got talking about my Hollywood marriage that ended in a white trash divorce. In talking about my ex, my pal said, "You know, one man's trash is another man's treasure." He clearly mistook my shocked expression for confusion because he went on to clarify with, "I mean, you know, you're the trash in that analo--" I got it, I got it, thanks. You can stop talking now. But just for that, I will make you buy me all the drinks this bar has to offer. And food. And that girl's coat across the room, because I've never seen that shade of blue before. Yes, I am demanding you buy my friendship back.
I guess I need to let it all go. Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Think positive. Don't suck. Never wear underwear. I don't know, inspriational quotes are hard. You get the idea, though, and that's all that matters.
So until we meet again...Cheers and Happy New Year!
