I saw the bastard once. It ran under the washing machine before I had a chance to stomp it. That's my cardinal rule in life: Once you cross the threshold of my house, I reserve the right to kill you. Otherwise, I try to save all creatures whenever possible.
My parents came to town to visit. We hit up a charity plant sale at the local 4-H Club. My dad, a Master Gardener, was in his glory. At one point I saw him flash his "credentials." He got all "MG-CSI" on those volunteers. And then a bird shit on him. Twice. It was a foreshadowing of things to come.
After the plant sale we decided to hit up Shady Maple. If you don't know what that is, Google it. I think it may be the biggest buffet in the world. The place is always packed and it's the largest buffet I've ever seen (and I know my all-you-can-eat buffets). The only downside is that the whole area (Amish country) smells like poop from the surrounding farms. It's the exact opposite of ice cream stores in the mall that pump out artificial cookie smells to entice you to buy ice cream. The last thing I wanted to do after having a nose full of shit-stink is go eat twice my weight in food. Being the trooper that I am, I did it anyway.
Crab cakes? You betcha! Weird fish stuffed with other fish? Uh, sure, I'll try that. Some kind of gravy with meat in it? Hook me up! Pecan pie? Perfect ending.
We rolled out of there an hour later, busting at the seams. The drive back was a quiet and stinky one. We passed a field where an Amish farmer was stirring up manure. I can only imagine how bad the smell was from his perspective because it was gag-worthy in the car.
We get on the turnpike - Almost back to civilization! So we're cruising, and suddenly, I smell "it." I ask my parents, "Do you smell that?" They both say no. I persist. "How can you NOT smell that? I'm in the backseat and I can smell it. Someone obviously just shit their pants in this car!" They both tell me again that they can't smell anything. Unbelievable! How is that possible? Then my dad looks out the window and says, "Look, we're driving past a farm. That's probably what you're smelling."
Now I'm getting annoyed. Flustered, I say, "It's NOT the farm! It's a different kind of poop smell....clearly, it's human. Are you both breathing through your mouths? Is that how you can't smell it?!"
Being the awesome parents that they are, they both laughed at me. It wasn't cool; it wasn't funny. It was disgusting and I couldn't believe they laughed it off. We had been smelling poop for awhile. You can't tell me that's safe. I thought I read once that farts were air with poop particles on them. I'm sure the miners thought they were fine until they developed Black Lung. I won't be surprised if I get diagnosed with Poop Lung in the future.
We'll see who's laughing then.
